Katherine is Awesome, Let Me Count the Ways

She calls Deacon slime to his face.

She doesn't take crap from NO ONE.

She has female friends across the age spectrum.

Despite being filthy rich, she knows pretension when she sees it.

She's the only person Victor EVER listens to.

She married that adorable guy Murphy.

She uses her brain AND her intuition.

Felicity Fangirl Angst: 10 Years Later

Or, why not Noel?

(Spoiler warnings)

This summer I marathoned the entire Felicity series with my sister. I was in college during its 1998-2002 run, but she, seven years younger, had never seen the show (and barely heard of it, actually). I hadn't seen it in years, save for a few re-runs on the WE network, although I had always, without question, reserved for it a special place in my heart. I wasn't quite sure how she would react to it, being a devotee of more recent shows like The OC, One Tree Hill, and Grey's Anatomy, and I basically had to twist her arm to get her to watch it at all. She was skeptical, it turns out. But as we popped in disc one, and freshman year started to unfold, she was sucked in -- immediately. And then we both spiraled into a DVD-fueled obsession that would. not. die.

So, here's the thing. I still love the show. I adore it, actually, probably more so than any other series, except for maybe Brothers & Sisters. Like B&S, the characters on Felicity are so well-crafted, flawed, and endearing, and the dialogue so smart, funny, and insightful, it's hard for me not to worship this show even when I admit I'm not in love with every storyline (cough, David, cough, Maggie, cough, Natalie, cough), or when I'm despising the second theme song (as much as I treasured the first) and fast forwarding through it as if to save my own life.

As we plowed through, I discovered my memory of each season was a bit hazy. It's amazing what you can forget over time, even about your favorite show. But, there were two things I remembered clear as day -- that she ended up with Ben, and that she and Noel never got back together.

I thought maybe that my feelings about these two facts -- being rather intense at that time, while I myself was in college -- might have lessened. But upon revisiting the Ben-Noel question all these years later, I found that my already-intense (thought dormant) feelings had only intensified.

Why the hell didn't she end up with Noel?

I still -- I don't get that. In my eyes, although Ben had endearing qualities and had his own path of growth to follow as a character, and while I didn't even mind him and Felicity dating in order to answer some questions and satisfy Felicity's insufferable high school obsession (which, come on, you never end up with that person), it just always seemed to me that she and Noel had the best possible thing -- real, lasting love based on an amazing, solid friendship.

Think about it. Felicity and Ben were all grand disappointments and unrealistic expectations (as the "popular" guy and the "brainiac" girl, they were stuck in high school categories that made them insecure), while Noel and Felicity were more about idiosyncratic flaws, humor, and realistic possibilities (they could relate to each other on an equal level, in which mutual honesty about their individual shortcomings actually made them stronger). Okay, well, that's just my take on it. I know everyone can't -- and won't -- agree.

Both couples were charming, I'll admit that, but I can't help but register a major injustice when a show glorifies the most unrealistic type of relationship, while throwing away the one that could actually work. And it's not just Felicity that does this -- television and movies do it all the time, ad nauseam. I mean, talk about expectations! No wonder there's this screwed-up cultural obsession with fairy tales -- they're perpetuated every single day. As a feminist, I recognize a fundamental problem in the way a show like Felicity emphasizes the main female character's relationships with men above all else -- yet, I can't help but feel this factor could be mitigated somewhat were the main character to choose (if she must) a less stereotypically masculine, more nontraditional type of guy. Or, gasp, a girl.

And so here's where I admit that despite my love for Felicity, or maybe because of it, this show breaks my heart every time. And simultaneously pisses me off. And not just in that Felicity and Noel don't end up together. I would have enjoyed (and probably preferred) a more open-ended finale in which Felicity asserted her independence yet the possibility of a future relationship still remained for them, and in which the egalitarian nature of their relationship/friendship was stressed as romantically valuable over time (rather than as inferior to the Felicity/Ben tug of war, that so-called "force," which tended to be fueled by drama and rooted in the crisis of the moment). Because that's what Felicity and Noel felt like to me -- the real deal. Future life partners who respected (and admired) each other's spaces and choices. So when they married Noel off to Zoe and Felicity forgave Ben once again after another charismatic apology (orchestrated through the elaborate time travel dream in which Noel ends up dead, which I guess was supposed to resign us to an unquestionable Felicity/Ben "destiny" but only ended up feeling cruel for Noel, unsettling for Felicity (uh, how can she ever trust Ben again?), and bitter in that Ben seems to get everything he wants, without true sacrifice (meaning, Arizona was Lauren's chosen location, not his, so Ben "following" Felicity to his own hometown after Lauren magically agrees to move there just does NOT feel like a legitimate hardship)) -- well, that was a crushing blow, a sour pill to swallow. And hard to forgive, quite honestly.

Truth is, I've found it's almost too painful to watch the whole series beginning to end anymore. The fact that Noel ends up in therapy and on depression meds, and Felicity in a psych ward by the end of season 4, seems entirely appropriate given that by then that's also where I feel I belong. In a mental hospital. Because as I get caught up in the stories and the way the romantic arcs were set up, starting in season 1, the same thing happens -- every time. I get hopeful. Just about the time Felicity and Noel confess their love during "Docuventary," and they kind of, almost, get back together then -- I have hope. But then Ben swoops in under the pretense that he "likes" her, whoopee!, and Felicity and Ben take that mysterious road trip together, only to come back in the fall to find that Ben's utterly incompetent to be in a relationship... Well, but then hope returns in early season 2 when Felicity cuts her hair, drops pre-med, drops Ben, and wants Noel back -- well, at that point it all feels inevitable. Surely, these two must get back together. Even if they don't stay together, they must get back together at some point.

Except they don't. Although there are a few close calls, many endearing scenes, and even time travel, they never really get back together. Look in the freaking drawer, already. Damn it. But she doesn't. Or she does, but slams it shut. And so that unresolved suspense of the Felicity-Noel relationship, never satisfied, is a very particular form of storytelling torture. I think it's called hell.

It's like zoning out to your favorite song only to have the original artist come along and smash your iPod to the pavement before you can savor those last few notes of satisfying resolution.

Or, you know, it's like a held breath -- you're always waiting for them to get back together and they never do (those time travel episodes help ease the pain a little, at first, but are ultimately a bucket of salt in the wound, let's be honest). So you suffocate. You never exhale.

This all might sound a bit dramatic or overly analytical, but I have to say, in a TV landscape littered with McDreamys and Mr. Bigs, there was something really special about witnessing a relationship based on unconditional friendship and chemistry at the same time. Ben was definitely a McDreamy, a Mr. Big. But Noel was... Noel. I'm really not sure there is, still, any other male character quite like him. Not in my mind, anyway. He sort of transcends gender categories of masculinity/femininity in that he was the funny guy/computer geek/best friend/adorable boyfriend who wasn't afraid to be kind. Or talk about things. McDreamys, Bens, and Mr. Bigs -- they don't open up because at some level they're fundamentally freaked out about who they are. Which always seems to become, unfairly, the chief problem of the person they're dating, and not a problem they stand up and own and deal with themselves. In a word, they're cowards; yet because of their masculine charisma, they get away with it. Over and over again. Noel wasn't like that.

I will say, I think the appeal of Noel has a lot do with the way Scott Foley portrayed him. He was really incredible in that role. The character was written well and with depth, especially by J.J. Abrams, but I think Scott Foley was the clinching factor, in that he has that intangible something. And even my sister confessed in the middle of our marathon that on most similar shows, she would have been all about the Ben/McDreamy/Mr. Big character, no questions asked... But on Felicity she was all about Noel. Swoon.

These gripes aside, in general I feel like the show has aged well. I still, overall, adore it. The themes -- self-discovery, survival, embracing and maintaining your independence, the definition of love, finding your way, finding your passions -- still ring true, even at age 30. And since I was in college while the show was running (1998-2002), Felicity also holds this intense nostalgia that will forever be bound up with my own college years. The music, the clothes, the hair. My god. Those plaid flannels, the Lilith Fair references, the lack of cell phones, subplots involving Episode I and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. These details make Felicity priceless to me, no matter how much of a malcontent I can be about the Noel question.

Expanded version at the Feministing Community.

Being Erica: A Feminist Review

I have a new TV addiction: Being Erica. If you haven't heard of it, it's an hour-long drama produced by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and airing on Canadian television since early January. Here in the States, I've been watching it on SoapNet, where it has quickly absorbed the Thursday night anticipation I usually reserve for Grey's Anatomy (a show that has steadily slipped in my must-see lineup the last couple years). Being Erica airs on SoapNet Thursdays at 10/9 Central.

The premise is this: Erica Strange, a 32-year-old single Jewish woman living in Toronto, periodically goes back in time to address the regrets of her life. In this endeavor she is assisted by her psychiatrist, Dr. Tom, who acts as a mentor-type character, showing up in various disguises and roles to offer her words of wisdom. He's been a janitor, bondage-style bouncer, dog-walker, and all-around lurker, in addition to his usual place behind a huge desk in a huge, dim, musty office where Erica sits opposite him during their sessions, entering and exiting abruptly due to her time-traveling (which he instigates).

Although I haven't even gotten into exactly what I like about the show yet, this is perhaps the one aspect I don't like about it. Although Dr. Tom has his enjoyable moments, overall the positioning of an older male as Erica's spiritual/psychiatric mentor creates a creepy paternalistic vibe that brings to mind the unhappy history of women being subjected to male psychiatrists who supposedly understand them better than they understand themselves. See Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique, Erica Jong's Fear of Flying, or the character of Betty Draper in the first season of the TV series Mad Men. And if Erica and Dr. Tom somehow end up together at the end of all this, that would probably ruin the entire show for me. I don't think that's going to happen, but still, yuck.

That said, there is a lot I love about this show. One of the blurbs SoapNet likes to flash around compares it to Sex and the City. I don't really agree with this, however, though it's not necessarily a bad thing. But Sex and the City was clearly a show focused on opposite-sex relationships and same-sex friendships, rather than the influences of family or life choices as a whole. Carrie was the main character, nudged slightly ahead of the other three friends, but it felt like you really only knew her through a certain scattered lens, and saw her from one particular angle that presented an incomplete picture of the character. (Did she have siblings? Did she go to college?) And of course, there was all that shoe shopping.

The character of Erica Strange feels more holistic to me... and less superficial. For one thing, Erica has a family. And that (often troubled) family takes center stage just as often, if not more so, than any of her romantic interests. We learn that Erica had an older brother Leo who died thirteen years ago; not long after that, for multiple reasons, her parents divorced. Erica also has a younger sister Sam, and the ups & downs of their sister relationship, as well as the mother-daughter/father-daughter angles, has been a major part of the family storylines. And because of the time travel flashbacks, we are able to get to know the brother Leo and see his relationship with Erica and the rest of the family. There's also a bit of a mystery angle here, since we don't have complete information at all times, and details of the past fill in gradually. As a result, the family element feels complex and layered.

The show also deals quite a bit with Erica's struggle to find a career path she can be happy with. One of the main issues examined here is how do you reconcile your true self with the compromises you often have to make in order to be successful? Erica regrets that she wasn't as cutthroat and ambitious in college as she could have been -- as a literature major, she was more into cultivating her interests, writing poetry, and finding herself, rather than lining up a solid job future. (As an English major myself, I can totally relate to this.) Yet, when she goes back in time to do just that, she finds she is unable to force herself to be someone she's not.

And then there's the romantic level -- yes, I won't lie, it's there. This is a fairly mainstream-type show, so of course the love plot is going to be hanging around. What I like, though, is how it hasn't overwhelmed the other plots, and also how Erica is neither desperate to get married nor wildly commitment phobic. The object of her affection is long-time college pal Ethan, who has either been dating someone else or married the entire time they have known each other. In the present time, he has separated from his wife and moved into Erica's apartment building, making it seem like an opportune moment for something to happen between them. So far, however, not much has. They've kissed, once; almost immediately after, Ethan's wife Claire shows up and those two sort of patch things up. Erica then starts dating another guy, Ryan, who likes her a lot -- a bit more, even, than she likes him. This all results in a fairly mild love triangle that smacks more of awkward real life than anything else.

All in all, this love plot seemed pretty heterosexist until the most recent episode, entitled Everything She Wants. In it, while in the midst of exploring her feelings for both Ethan and Ryan, Erica revisits her best friend from graduate school, Cassidy -- a relationship she describes as "one step short of a love affair." This made me sit up and take notice, as I thought for the first time the show might really surprise me in terms of where the love plot was going.

Cassidy is a lesbian who makes no secret of her feelings for Erica; in the process of going back in time and intending not to lead Cassidy on (as she did before, which led to them never speaking again), Erica realizes that her feelings for Cassidy were indeed real and intense, and that she did in fact reciprocate on a romantic level. And in spite of Erica insisting to everyone that she's straight, over and over, her feelings seem to lead her in the other direction, until she and Cassidy are stripped down to their bras in front of each other.

And while there did seem to be a small amount of male voyeurism going on, it was not at all the impetus of the storyline. Ethan walks in on them accidentally, but the incident is pretty much absent of any "whoa-ho!" girl-on-girl moments, as he's really more gently concerned about why his best friend never told him she was gay (which she still insists she's not); in general Ethan doesn't make a big deal out of it. And Dr. Tom is the one who sort of pushes Erica away from her stubborn declarations that she's straight -- "Labels are for cans, not people," he says -- though because of their unsettling shrink-patient dynamic, that advice doesn't come off as admirable or innocent as maybe it should. But in spite of these moments, overall I would say that the Erica-Cassidy attraction was presented in good faith, as being about those two people alone -- and their feelings for each other -- as well as the implied fluidity of sexual orientation. Which was pretty cool, I thought.

That said, I found that the Cassidy storyline broke down just when I thought it was getting promising. For instance, the word "bisexual" was never one uttered. There was always the sense that you were either gay or straight, even though Erica's actual experiences with Cassidy, contrasted with the two guys (all of whom she cared about, and cared about her), seemed to scream otherwise. Also, the general theme behind the episode was unrequited love, more so than really examining the fluidity of sexual experience. By the end, it was about "all or nothing" commitments, and not really about Erica being more open to partners of different genders. Going into the episode, I was hopeful it might change the direction of the love plot entirely, but by the conclusion, the Cassidy arc felt more like a one-time, one-shot occurrence that probably won't be revisited. Still, I'm glad they went there, and maybe in the long run I'll be surprised, after all.

Turning to pure entertainment value for a second, one thing I enjoy immensely about this show is the use of music and current events from the different time periods Erica revisits. This taps into a nostalgic angle that I can't help but be sucked into, being 30 years old myself (Erica is 32). So far, these past mileposts/events range from the late 1980's when she returns to her Dirty Dancing-themed Bat Mitzvah where her overweight gay uncle serenades her in a Patrick Swayze-style boogie, to the mid-2000s when she and her sister get stranded at a house party during the East Coast blackout of August 2003. These incidents range from thematically resonant to absurdly comic, the latter evident in choices such as highlighting the Y2K parties of 1999, a quip about Chumbawamba totally not being a one-hit wonder back in 1997, or Erica reciting a bit of a Britney Spears' song (pre-"Baby One More Time") rather than the poem she actually wrote, and the irony of how the pretentious, verbally abusive creative writing professor loves the plagiarized "Baby One More Time" more so than her actual work.

Overall, Being Erica has its flaws, but actress Erin Karpluk makes Erica shine -- I find her to be an extremely endearing, likable actress who, along with the writers, creates a character absent of most female stereotypes. She is neither virgin nor whore, angel nor bitch, tomboy nor fashionista. And in the context of mainstream television, where shows are still rarely centered around one female character, I find Being Erica thoughtful, funny, and refreshing in its willingness to examine the joys, heartaches, and regrets of a single, 30-something woman trying to navigate her way through life on her own terms and in her own way.

Are other people watching this show? If so, what do you think of it?

Crossposted at Radiant Likeness.

The Soapbox: Papa Loves Mambo

So how adorable are Kay and Murph? They got engaged yesterday -- Murphy gave her the smallest ring in soaps history! (and probably Katherine's most modest on record, yet she loved it) -- and right after, they danced their butts off to "Papa Loves Mambo." Which just might be the cutest thing ever.

Then today we get the "Empress Katherine" photo shoot for Restless Style -- I was loving it! And it was appropriate because older actresses like Jeanne Cooper (she's 80!) are the queens of daytime television. And in my book she has one of the best gigs of any actress out there, of any age, at any time of day.

That's one thing I've always loved about soaps -- the willingness of TPTB to center entire shows around older female actresses. And give them storylines of substance, at that. Katherine is an enjoyable reminder of that practice, especially within this particular storyline.

There were some fun lines today:

Murphy: "I know I'm not the sort of guy she usually goes for."
Nikki: "And thank God for that!"

Chloe: "I know you'll make an honest woman out of me."
Billy: "I don't think that's possible."

Ashley (after being fired by Jill): "I loathe her."
Victor: "I do not blame you."

And starting Monday, the countdown to Mac begins!

The Soapbox: Yep, Mac is Back

After my last post concerning Katherine's DNA, I was thinking I would stay patient and let myself be surprised by what was around the bend... and then March Madness preempted two full days of the show, evoking much madness in me. Grrrr. (This happens every year, yet for some reason I'm always surprised by it.)

And since soaps are on five freaking days a week all year long, I don't usually feel the need to go looking for spoilers or casting news. But because of the preemption, I couldn't help myself -- I went on a quest for spoilage. And I found it.

It's true. Mac is coming back. After three years working for a relief organization in Darfur, something brings her back to Genoa City. I wonder what that could be... la la la...

Amazing news. I didn't quite realize how much I adored this character until I considered her return. But I'm also a little nervous. See, I was a big fan of the original Mac, Ashley Bashioum (there were two others in there as well), but the role has now been recast with Clementine Ford (Cybill Shepherd's daughter). Although she's been on The L Word, my only knowledge of Ford goes back to her stint as Miss Golden Globe in 1998. And that's about all I know.

Still, I'm willing to keep an open mind. Billy was recast, after all, and that seems to be working out fine. Uh, yeah! Just fine. I actually think he's the best Billy they've ever had. And I can certainly understand the need to reevaluate the Mac-Billy chemistry under these circumstances.

One of the most fascinating questions: could Mac be the new girl for Cane & Billy to fight over? (While Chloe & Lily raise Delia?) Please, please, please. Let it be true.

According to the word on the Internet, Mac returns April 1st.